on motherhood.

i have fought with you more than anyone ever. i can't remember how old i was or what was happening for you to say it, but you said it. you made it clear: you were never my friend- not in the past, present or future- you were strictly my mother.

looking back, i can see it all: make your bed every morning. be back by 10 because i'm tired and i don't want to wait up all night. it's your day to set the table. do your homework. why do you hang out with her when all she does is hurt you. don't walk around the neighborhood barefoot. be yourself. don't make me ground you from your books. don't be like her. practice the piano. don't forget to do your make up time before your piano lesson. just do what i say.

i didn't do anything to reach your expectations about 90% of the time and you would get angry. you would yell. and nag and yell. sometimes you would cry, but that was because i yelled back. i wanted you to hear me. you turned silent. sometimes for days. sometimes weeks. sometimes a month. time would go by and i heard nothing from you.

it feels like a cookie cutter without the dough. you were very good at being my mother, but i needed you to be my friend, too.

if i said i didn't love you i would be lying. i love you.

you taught me how to survive a period with tampons, ibuprofen, and chocolate. you let me read your romance novels when you were done. you helped me look and feel pretty before i went out the door with my date to every dance. you showed me to read my scriptures every day. to be social. to wear lip gloss and makeup. how to pray. to give gifts and time to others. to face my fears. to set goals and achieve them.

you raised me into the woman i am today and i can't deny that.

i just needed you to be my friend. there are dreams and passions i want to let you be a part of.  i just can't share them with you because you are my mother and not my friend.

as i now grow closer to the path of motherhood, i have decisions to make. i know it's not that simple nor do i know what my little rascals will be like, but i do know this: i want to be there for them, as a mom and as a friend. it really shouldn't be two separate titles, but rather one that means it all: mom. i'll practice now as i wait for them and pray they'll practice with me when they let me be their mom.